Our Secret
by poloxsaum
Summary: Jane finally comes clean to Maura about the feelings she has for her. Maura is upset that Jane never told her she was a lesbian, but once Jane explained why she doesn't speak of it she understands exactly why she's hidden it for so long. Rizzles. One shot


_A/N: Okay, so, I uploaded this earlier but there was a problem with it, thank you for the reviews who told me otherwise I would have never noticed. I think it's sorted out now though. _

Jane and Maura were sat in Maura's apartment eating Chinese takeout on the couch while watching a film Maura had picked out earlier that evening. It was their usual Friday evening ritual, and as they had solved the case they had been working on earlier that day as well, the takeout and wine were a small symbol if happiness for what they had achieved.

Maura was watching the film, she was a sucker to the rom-com's she always choose, however Jane wasn't much of a fan and never really saw what the big fuss was about, they were always the same. Jane put her takeout container down on the table and picked up her beer. She took a swig and her attention turned towards Maura who was still eating.

She watched as she carefully placed noodles in her mouth, trying to ensure she didn't spill sauce on her chin, however, some slipped off the noodles. Maura didn't notice, although Jane and she had to restrain herself from reaching over and quickly wiping it off.

"Maur, you got some sauce on your chin," Jane told her hoping it wouldn't make it obvious that she had been sat their watching her eat like a total creep.

Maura reached her hand up and used her thumb to remove it.

"Thanks," she said, still engrossed in the film, not even realising Jane had been watching her.

Maura's pink tongue swiped at her thumb to remove the sauce and Jane felt suddenly parched, just imagining the soft pink tongue running along her own, leaving traces along her body, bringing her close to an orgasm. She took a swig of beer.

She had developed feelings for Maura at the very beginning of their friendship and as the two grew closer, they had only grown stronger. At first they were easy to ignore, and Jane forced herself to believe they were just down to the close bond the two of them shared. But now it was getting harder to ignore and she didn't know what to do.

She had been debating with herself a lot recently about whether to tell Maura. She knew that if Maura knew it could ruin their friendship, which Jane didn't want to happen. She trusted Maura with her life, more than anyone else and she was grateful for everything Maura had helped her though. It was a lot more than she could ever realise. However, if she didn't tell her she would end up pushing Maura away so that they didn't spend a lot of time together, so that Jane found it easier to push the feelings down. But she knew this would not only hurt her, but she risked hurting Maura a lot as well. By pushing her away she was doing the same thing so many others had done to her, it left Maura alone like she always had been and that wasn't something she wanted to do to someone she cared so much about.

All these thoughts were rushing through Jane's head, and she didn't realise the film had finished and that Maura was now watching her.

"Jane?" Maura asked, slightly worried about how silent she had been, not just during the film, having not made any sarcastic comments about the content, but just in general recently. When this didn't get a response. Maura placed her hand on Jane's arm. This made her jump and Maura frowned.

Recently, Jane had been much better, the nightmares and flashbacks from Hoyts attacks reducing dramatically. She still didn't talk about them, and she still hated talking about the subject but Maura saw the change in her. She was more awake, as if she had been sleeping better, she smiled a lot more, they were less forced as if she was no longer pretending that everything was okay. However, the response that was received from the light touch suggested to Maura that Jane had been thinking about him.

"Sorry," Jane muttered.

"Where you thinking about him?" Maura asked, knowing hated his name being said, and even if she didn't mention his name, Jane still knew who she was on about.

Jane shook her head. "No," she answered simply, finally looking at Maura.

Maura's still displayed a worried expression, still not knowing whether something serious was playing out in Jane's mind. Jane noticed this and spoke again.

"It's nothing, I'm fine," she reassured Maura.

Maura wasn't so convinced that what Jane told her was true, but she relaxed a little, knowing it wasn't something as serious and worrying as she originally thought it to be.

"Jane, please tell me what's going on in that mind of yours," Maura pleaded. Whatever it was that was going on, she wanted to help as best she could. "I want to help, whatever it is Jane, you can trust me."

Jane's eyes met Maura's and Maura saw them glisten, the light reflecting from the unshed tears she was bearing. Jane knew that she was going to have to tell Maura now, there was no way to get out of this one, and even if she tried to make up a lie, she knew how unlikely it was that Maura would believe her anyway.

"I...," Jane stopped, not knowing where to start. Should she just say it, blurt it out and let Maura take it in? Should she start slow, so she didn't have to say it and let Maura guess for herself? She was never any good at things like this.

"I was thinking about you," Jane tired, hoping that would explain everything. Of course it didn't and Maura looked even more confused than before.

"About me?"

"I don't see anyone else here, do you?" Jane remarked sarcastically.

"You use sarcasm as a defence mechanism, often when you feel awkward and are struggling to open up about how you really feel. Whatever it is, just tell me Jane."

Jane sighed heavily and closed her eyes. She felt Maura's hands on her own and smiled slightly at the warmth and comfort they bought to her. She felt Maura's fingers run lightly and tenderly over the two raised scars.

Maura knew how much she hated them and she hated the fact that Jane couldn't accept the fact that they proved how strong she was. Jane still had her hands in new situations and she never let anyone touch them except Maura, being comfortable with how delicate she was. Jane hated when she was in a relationship and she had to explain what had happened, or if they completely ignored the signs she didn't wanted to hold hands and they always felt the need for some contact. She couldn't accept them herself, she couldn't look at them without feeling repulsed by herself, so how was anyone else supposed to. That was different with Maura, she understood her boundaries, understood that she didn't want to talk about what had happened and Maura never saw her as weak. Maura was the one person who reassured her that she wasn't broken and she didn't need to be fixed, that she was strong and a fighter and that this was proof of what she had been through. It wasn't something to look at and take pity for, it was something that you just accepted and moved on with. Jane was incredibly grateful for the way Maura saw her.

She opened her eyes again.

"I... I think," Jane stopped. "No, I know... um, that... I'm, I'm... in love with you," Jane finally managed to get out.

She watched Maura's face, how it changed when she finally admitted it how she was feeling. Maura didn't exactly know how to reply, she didn't feel the same way that Jane did, but she didn't know what Jane expected. Thankfully, Jane started talking again, wanting to make sure Maura didn't feel awkward and that she hadn't just ruined everything.

"I don't want to ruin our friendship, so can we please just forget about it. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, Maur', I just thought I could ignore it or something, I'm not really sure."

Maura thought for a while. Jane waited patiently, knowing that it was probably a lot to take in. Not only had she just admitted that she was in love with her best friend, but Maura believed she was straight as well and Jane had no idea how Maura was going to take either news.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Maura asked.

"I thought I could ignore it, just ignore the feelings and carry on as if it was nothing," Jane replied, confused as she had just said this.

"I meant, why didn't you tell me you were a lesbian? Why did you lie to me all this time? And what about Casey, you were in love with him, you were going to marry him," Maura argued, having a hard time to get over the news that Jane had kept this for such a long time. "Didn't you trust me enough to open up? You should know I'd never judge you, it doesn't matter to me if you're a lesbian."

Jane hadn't expected Maura to be so cross at her for not coming clean about her being a lesbian, she had thought that Maura would be more concerned about her being in love with her. And she had mentioned Casey, which was someone and something she didn't want to think about or explain, but she knew she had to, she knew she had to explain everything to Maura so that she could start to understand. And Casey seemed as good a place as any.

"I didn't love Casey. I never had feelings for him, but he was a nice bloke and I was just trying so hard, I just thought that," Jane started before she was interrupted.

"Trying so hard for what?" Maura asked her confused.

Jane looked down, embarrassed about what she was about to say. She played with her hands that were in her lap.

"I was trying to... be straight. I didn't want to be a lesbian, I just thought that if I found a nice enough guy it would all work out. I tried so hard to convince myself that I wasn't a lesbian, that it was just a faze or something. I ignored all the feelings when I was younger, all the crushes I had on girls I had to push aside, I wanted to fit in, I didn't want to be any more of an outcast then I already was. I just thought it would be easier to be straight and pretend I didn't have these feelings.

"With Casey, it was me just trying to prove to myself that I was normal and that there was nothing wrong with me. Being with Casey was also a way to distract myself from the feelings that had developed for you. I hated myself for such a long time when I was younger and then I thought everything went back to the way it's supposed to be but then we met and it just screwed me up. The feelings I had just started to grow stronger, so I thought being with Casey would straighten me out.

"I didn't tell you because I couldn't, I have never told anyone. People joke about it because I'm a detective but they don't know that it's true. How could you ever look at me again knowing what I am, knowing what a horrible person I am, how disgusting I am. If ma ever found out, she'd never talk to me again, it was just so much easier to keep it locked up inside where I could deal with it myself."

Jane finished, and tears were pouring down her face. She wanted to compose herself, she was being ridiculous. But telling someone after all this time felt alright, and she knew Maura well enough to know that she wasn't going to judge her for this, that if their friendship was over it wasn't just because she was a lesbian, it was more to do with the fact that she was in love with her.

Maura felt her heart breaking at what Jane said. She couldn't imagine what was going on in Jane's mind, how torn she must have felt. How torn she must feel. She reached a hand out and wiped the tears away from Jane's face.

"Jane, I could never think about you as if you were disgusting, you're beautiful and amazing and brilliant and being a lesbian doesn't change that, it doesn't change who you are. You're still the same person you were before I knew and nothing is ever going to change that. I couldn't imagine losing my best friend over something so small as sexual orientation. I could never judge you, never look at you differently because you aren't different, or horrible, or disgusting.

"I can't imagine what it must be like for you, Jane, not being who you really want to be, being torn between how you really feel and trying to do what you think is right. Jane, being a lesbian isn't something unnatural, and I guess that you don't really believe me, but it isn't something you should push aside, because you'll never be truly happy. Most of the human population are born as bisexual and it's the upbrining they have and the need to conform to social norms that rids them of being sexually attracted to people of the same sex," Maura said, wanting to show Jane that whatever happened it didn't matter to her, it didn't mean she would leave her or break the friendship she had.

Jane nodded, seeing the sense in what Maura was telling her. She still couldn't imagine being openly gay to anyone else though, but she was happy knowing that it wasn't going to ruin the one good friendship she'd ever built. Maura wasn't judgmental and was very open minded about a lot of things, although Jane it was unlikely other people in her life would be as well. She still saw herself as abnormal and weird, but it was something she could work on. She smiled across at Maura.

"Thank you," Jane said. The tears had stopped now, although her cheeks were stained slightly with makeup and her eyelashes wet.

"You do need to thank me for anything Jane," Maura said smiling as well.

Jane had a beautiful smile, Maura thought to herself. She wrapped her arms around the taller woman and breathed in her scent. She knew that the feelings she had for Jane were also more that those you would have for any normal friend and, she herself hadn't wanted to act upon those feelings, worried what Jane might think or feel towards her afterwards. But seeing as Jane had confessed to her something she was really struggling with, she believed that she should to tell Jane how she felt. Or rather show.

As the two pulled apart from the hug, the sat looking at each for a few moments, Maura building the courage she needed. She herself was much more open to the idea of being with a man or a woman and choose to date someone based on the bond they felt and the way they made her feel, rather than whether they were male or female. She had experimented with both, and enjoyed sleeping with both men and women.

She leaned in and her lips brushed Jane's softly. Jane felt confused for a moment, but the feel of Maura's lips on her own were so much better than she had ever imagined and she replied by pressing her lips back. Maura pulled away, wanted to see the reaction from Jane, wanting to make sure that what she did was okay.

Jane groaned when Maura pulled away, enjoying the feeling of their lips pressed together.

"Was that okay?" Maura asked her, although feeling she already knew the answer.

"Defiantly," Jane said, nodded.

Maura pressed her lips back to Jane's and Jane moaned slightly. The kiss depended and Jane's lips parted when she felt Maura's tongue run along her lips. Their tongues tangled together, the kiss heating up. Jane bit down lightly on Maura's bottom lip and Maura released a small moan in response.

The feeling of kissing Maura was amazing and Jane never wanted to stop. She never thought that Maura would answer with such a response, and she was glad that she had voiced her feelings. She couldn't believe she had stopped herself from saying something.

The two eventually had to pull apart, both out of breath from the long embrace. Jane felt tears welling up again.

"Jane, Jane, it's okay, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to make you so upset," Maura said, instantly noticing the tears and regretting the move she had just made.

Jane shook her head, "It's not that. I just never thought that this could happen, or that I would allow this to happen, after pushing these feelings down for such a long time it's just overwhelming."

Maura smiled. "Everything is going to be okay, I promise Jane. We can go slowly and we can keep it our little secret for as long as you want, until you're ready to tell anyone."

Jane smiled, with the knowledge Maura was willing to do whatever she could to make her feel better and comfortable with this. She loved Maura and she knew Maura loved her.

_A/N: I feel as if the ending could be a lot better, but hopefully it's okay. I also just wanted to let you know that the things Jane said about herself aren't my opinions in anyway._


End file.
